


Reflection

by Reader Inserts (Bulletproof_love)



Series: UC!Mike [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Decisions, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heavy Angst, Light Angst, Loneliness, Mistakes, No Smut, Sad, Sad Ending, UC!Mike, Undercover, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 01:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15377598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulletproof_love/pseuds/Reader%20Inserts
Summary: Mike contemplates on how the two of you ended up in this situation.





	Reflection

Mike was standing in the center of his old living room, surveying the sparse amount of boxes stacked up. There wasn’t much here, he had the clothes he had worn during his spate undercover for the Anti Crime Unit and whatever his dad had put into storage after his ‘death’. It wasn’t much, a few sentimental items that both you and his father hadn’t been able to part with but weren’t sure what to with.

        His apartment was still his own. Four months after his death, his father still hadn’t gotten around to selling the place, instead he had kept up the mortgage payments until he could bring himself to make alternative arrangements. It was lucky really in a way, even after Mike had detonated his whole life he still had something to return to, a home at least.

    Or at least a place to rest his head, his apartment wasn’t really a home without you in it.

        He sipped from the beer bottle he had placed upon the modest coffee table, his gaze flickered to the only other item resting on there. It had resided in the first box that he had opened and now as he stared at it, he felt that dull ache in his chest as he ran a finger over the outline of the silver frame.

         It was an image of the two of you at Noah’s most recent birthday party. You were wearing a pretty, floral summer dress, one that fell just above your knees. He was clad in jeans and a white button down, his arms wrapped around your waist, body leaning in close as you both smiled at the camera. He remembered how beautiful you had looked that day, how he’d barely been able to keep his hands off you. His eyes strayed up to the door of his apartment and he remembered, pressing you against it with tender kisses and wandering hands. Seconds later he had been on his knees, your hands threading his hair as you cried out his name.

        He had spent four long months fantasying about the taste of you, the way you felt wrapped around him as the two of you made love in his bed. Your whimpers, your words, everything about you had haunted his dreams, a constant reminder of what a grave mistake he had made.

        The ache in his chest got worse, he could feel that agony deep inside of him as his thumb stroked over the contours of your smile. The two of you looked so happy there, like there was nothing in the world could touch you, that months down the line he wouldn’t fuck the whole thing up.

        But he had…

        His hand reached out for the beer once more, knocking back the alcoholic liquid and draining the bottle. Seeing you today had been worse than he could have imagined. He could feel the guilt and the sorrow mauling at his insides as he remembered the expression on your face when you had seen him on the courthouse steps. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen when he approached you, all he knew was after four long months you were the first person he wanted to see.

    You were still as beautiful as the day he had left. He remembered how you felt tucked up in his arms, legs entwined with his, the press of your bare skin warming his own. He missed that feeling, the feeling of being wrapped up in you, loving you.

    His mind flitted back to the expression on your face and he felt his heart literally wrench in his chest. He was a selfish arsehole, he could admit that and he had done something truly terrible to you.

    When Counter Terrorism had offered him the assignment he had jumped at the chance, they wanted to reactivate one off his old alias, CTU was the next rung on his career ladder and he’d only had a few moments to decide. He’d planned on telling you over the next few days, he knew if anyone would understand it would be you. You had worked undercover on and off for years before you had settled in SVU wanting something more stable. The two of you had talked about your work in the past, Mike had participated in his own under cover operations. The two of you were kindred spirits in that respect.

    However before he knew it the option of telling you had been snatched away completely. He’d been out on a call when the perp had started shooting. They hadn’t been coming for him, the perp was simply a person of interest but before he knew it Mike was on the floor, his chest feeling like it was on fire as rivets of blood ran down his shirt. He’d been shot before, he recongised the agony before his vision began to tunnel, black furling in at the edges. He thought of you, of that voicemail he’d left cancelling lunch because they’d caught a lead in the case. He remembered saying ‘I love you and I’ll see you later’

    When he woke up, he hadn’t expected the head of the counter terrorist unit to be looming over his hospital bed. There was no sign of his father or of you, just this man whose eyes emitted no warmth at all standing beside him.

    Agent Carson explained that the bullet that hit him had been a 22. Calibre striking the fleshy part of his shoulder and exiting out the back. The damage was minimal compared to what it could have been, to what it had been last time during the Gregory Yates escape. He thanked the stars, it hurt like hell but his recovery would be a hell of a lot easier. Mike wasn’t polite when he asked Carson why he was there. He was in a lot of pain, his head swimming with the meds and he knew you and his father had to be going crazy.

    “You’re dead.” He had said abruptly leaving Mike staring at him.

    It had taken him a while to get his head around this words as they muddled in his brain. While Mike was alive and recuperating, his friends and family had been told that he had died in surgery. Apparently CTU had decided this was the perfect time to become his undercover alias, they had taken advantage of the opportunity being shot had given them.

    There had been an anger boiling in him, a rage that the painkiller made easier to vent when he rounded on Carson. He’d snapped at the other man about how he couldn’t steal his life from him but Carson said it was too late, it had all been handled.

    It felt like he had been gutted from the inside out. He couldn’t get his head around the thought of you grieving him, or the fact he couldn’t contact his father. For the first time in his life he was truly alone.

    They used his shooting, winding it into his alias’s story, he’d been caught in the shoulder with a bullet and was now looking for a place to lay low and recover before he got back on his feet. His point of contact, Seamus McCoy had welcomed him back with open arms, he’d saved the other man’s life once before when a rival had shot up the bar that Seamus used to drink in. He was part of the family after all and his alias Charlie O’Flynn had skills that Seamus could utilise.

    At night he would think about you, wonder what you were doing, how you were doing. You had invested your heart and soul in him and to know that you were mourning him…

    That hurt more than any physical wound could have.

    You hated him now, he could see it in your eyes when you looked at him. He thought there was a realistic possibility that you had wanted to murder him for real when he’d met you on the steps. He wondered if you would ever forgive him.

    His ‘death’ had changed you, his father had told him he’d never seen you as fragile before it happened, but after it you had simply just fallen apart.

    Now he had come back and he wanted to be a part of your life again, he wanted to bury himself in your arms and never let go. He wanted to show you how much he loved you, how much of a mistake he had made by even agreeing to the assignment in the first place. However he knew he had to give you time, time to acclimatize to his return while he took control of his own life once more.  He would hold onto these feelings until you were ready.


End file.
